How ADHD in Women Might Go Undiagnosed Until Motherhood
When Motherhood Magnifies Old Struggles
Becoming a mom is one of life’s biggest transitions. It comes with a multitude of emotions and experiences: joy, love, connection, but also the possibility of loss of normalcy, overwhelm, and many, many tasks. For some women, this shines a harsh spotlight on struggles they’ve quietly carried for years, and the demands of motherhood feel like too much: keeping up with schedules, remembering details, and managing the endless mental to-do list.
The question might come up: “Why can’t I handle this like everyone else seems to?” For many moms, this overwhelming moment might be the beginning of a journey that leads to an unexpected discovery: ADHD.
Why ADHD Often Goes Unrecognized in Women
ADHD in women doesn’t always look the way people expect. Growing up, many women weren’t the “hyperactive” kid who couldn’t sit still in class. Instead, ADHD showed up in different ways:
- Daydreaming through class.
- Forgetting assignments or struggling to stay organized.
- Feeling “lazy” or “scattered” despite working twice as hard to keep up.
Rather than being identified and supported, these traits were often dismissed or misunderstood. Society teaches girls to mask their struggles, to fit in, to “just try harder.” As a result, many women grow up internalizing the belief that their challenges are personal flaws rather than signs of a condition like ADHD.
They develop coping strategies: perfectionism, people-pleasing, pushing themselves to exhaustion. These strategies work... until they don’t.
The Tipping Point of Motherhood
Imagine a girl growing into adulthood, quietly struggling to keep up, and then stepping into motherhood; only to feel the weight of untreated ADHD pressing harder than ever. The strategies she once relied on to “get by” crumble under the relentless demands of all her new responsibilities.
Motherhood has a way of amplifying everything. The mental load of keeping a family running, the constant multitasking, the noise, the chaos… it can feel like an unrelenting storm. For moms with undiagnosed ADHD, it often becomes impossible to keep the struggles hidden or under control.
Many moms I’ve worked with share that they struggled as adults without realizing their difficulties were rooted in ADHD. They often describe “getting by” for years, until motherhood brought everything to the surface. The constant juggling of work, childcare, household responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, activities, and the weight of societal expectations about what “being a good mom” should look like made it impossible to ignore the underlying struggles any longer.
For some moms, this looks like:
- Letting mail and paperwork pile up until it feels unmanageable.
- Having trouble getting started on tasks, or trouble finishing them if you do start
- Frequently forgetting appointments, plans, or even the groceries you just meant to grab.
- Struggling to regulate emotions over seemingly small things, leading to outbursts or feelings of anger and Impacting relationships.
It’s important to note that motherhood is overwhelming for nearly everyone at some point. Forgetting where you put your keys or feeling like you don’t have enough hours in the day is normal. But for moms with ADHD, these challenges feel constant, extensive, and inescapable. It’s not just a bad day or a rough week; it’s a pattern that’s persisted for as long as they can remember.
So What Can a Late Diagnosis Help With?
For many moms, receiving an ADHD diagnosis is both a revelation and a relief. Suddenly, there’s an explanation for why things have always felt harder than they should. There’s a name for the overwhelm, the mental clutter, the exhaustion. I’ve had clients say: “It all makes sense now.”
It’s not laziness. It’s not a lack of effort. It’s ADHD.
But a diagnosis isn’t just about a label. It opens the door to tools, strategies, and support that can make an incredible difference. It’s the beginning of understanding yourself better and creating a life that feels more manageable and aligned. Here are some strategies that can help:
Use external supports: Visual reminders, planners, and phone alarms can help offload the mental clutter of keeping track of everything. Choose tools that fit your lifestyle and stick with them consistently.
Set up progress, not perfection: Create routines that work for you, even if they don’t look like what other moms are doing. Organizing doesn’t have to be Pinterest-worthy; it just has to work. For example: baskets for clean clothes that never get folded!
Learn to delegate: You don’t have to do it all. Delegate tasks to your partner, older kids, or even hire help when possible. Asking for support isn’t failure… it’s resourcefulness.
Keep in mind: finding the right strategies is a process, sometimes an emotional one. It’s part art, part skill, and a lot of trial and error. Figuring out what works best for you can take time and effort, but it’s also incredibly rewarding.
Working with a therapist is often helpful in this process. It provides a space to explore your strengths, recognize patterns, and develop behaviors that align with your values, all while working toward a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Mindfulness, for example, can be an effective tool by helping you stay present, manage overwhelm, and approach challenges with self compassion. Over time, you learn more about yourself: your needs, your limits, and what helps you thrive.
Rewriting the Narrative
Here’s the truth: ADHD doesn’t define your worth as a mother, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re failing. If anything, it means you’ve been navigating life with an invisible hurdle; and the fact that you’ve made it this far is a testament to your strength.
Motherhood with ADHD isn’t about doing it all perfectly. It’s about recognizing your limits, celebrating your strengths, and giving yourself the grace to do things your way. A diagnosis doesn’t change who you are as a mom… it simply equips you with the knowledge and tools to step into motherhood with more understanding and compassion for yourself. Watching moms make effective changes and cope in new ways is amazing and it’s always such an honor to be part of that journey.
There’s power in understanding yourself. There’s freedom in letting go of the shame. And there’s strength in reaching out for support. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. There are so many moms navigating this journey, rediscovering themselves, and learning to thrive with ADHD. Because honestly, you don’t have to fit someone else’s mold- your version of motherhood is enough.
Note to Readers: The information shared in this blog post is meant to offer insights and help you better understand ADHD in moms, but it is not intended to diagnose or replace professional medical or mental health advice. If you're wondering whether ADHD could be affecting you, the Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale might be a useful first step to explore whether further evaluation is needed. Remember, every person's experience is unique. For an accurate diagnosis and personalized treatment plan, it is important to consult with a licensed healthcare professional.
