Something About Becoming a Mother Heals the Inner Child

Something my clients have often heard me say is: motherhood is both triggering and healing. It's triggering because it brings unmet needs and challenges from your own childhood to the surface. But it's healing because you get to choose to do it differently. You decide what to leave behind and how to carry the best parts forward. Motherhood brings with it waves of emotions you didn’t expect.  Patterns from your own childhood that you thought were long buried. But within that same space of discomfort lies the opportunity for deep healing.

Becoming a mother holds up a mirror to the parts of ourselves we’d rather not see sometimes. The impatience we inherited, the fears we absorbed, the insecurities we learned to carry. But it also reflects back the love, strength, and resilience we didn't know we had.

The Science of Parenthood and Healing

Mental health professionals have long studied the impact of intergenerational attachment: the ways in which our own childhood experiences shape how we parent. Research shows that unresolved childhood wounds often surface when we have children of our own. This isn't a flaw; it's human nature. The brain stores emotional memories, and when we face moments that resemble past experiences, those emotions resurface.

Attachment isn’t just about the relationship between parent and child. It’s also about our connection to ancestors, community, and culture. Our sense of belonging doesn’t start and end with our parents: it is deeply woven into the histories, traditions, and collective experiences we inherit.

For many, parenting doesn’t just awaken wounds from childhood; it also stirs generational trauma. Research in epigenetics and historical trauma, such as the work of Dr. Maria Yellow Horse Brave Heart, shows that trauma can be passed down biologically and socially, affecting how future generations navigate relationships, security, and emotional regulation.

This means that becoming a parent is about all the things that made us who we are. If we were raised in families that carried survival-based parenting due to historical oppression, displacement, war, or immigration, we might struggle with softness or emotional openness. If we grew up in communities where safety was uncertain, a struggle with how to offer our children freedom might arise.

““Just as trauma can be passed down through generations, so too can love, healing, and the power of reflection.””

But just like trauma can be passed down through generations, so can strength. The resilience of our ancestors, the love of cultural traditions, and the wisdom of our communities aren’t just things we inherit: they’re things we can lean on to heal. When we become parents, we have the chance to tap into these strengths, to nurture ourselves in the ways we once needed. We can break cycles not just by doing things differently, but by drawing from the practices that have always carried our people through. Parenting becomes a way to reparent ourselves.. by offering our children the security, connection, and belonging that we, too, are still learning to receive.

There’s something powerful that happens when we become parents. We are given the chance to break cycles. Through what experts call Reflective Parenting, we develop the ability to recognize our emotional triggers, process them, and choose a different way forward. Studies show that parents who practice reflection, who pause to understand their own emotions and those of their children, foster healthier emotional bonds and promote self-awareness, both in themselves and in their kids.

Seeing Our Child as an Extension of Ourselves

There’s often a striking moment in parenthood where a realization happens: we don’t just see our child… we see ourselves in them. When they experience something difficult, we instinctively relate it to our own past. We might watch them struggle with shyness and think, “They’re just like me… I know exactly how this feels for them.” We take on the weight of the moment, assigning it meaning based on our own childhood experiences.

But in doing so, we sometimes forget a simple truth: our child is not us.

Yes, they may remind us of our younger selves. Yes, their struggles may feel eerily familiar. It’s hard but we have to remember: they are their own person. Their own person who is experiencing life through their own perspective. What was painful for us might not be painful for them. What left us feeling unseen might not leave them feeling the same way.

Developmental psychology research, particularly in the field of Emotion Socialization, shows that children build emotional resilience when they are allowed to fully experience and process their emotions—without a parent projecting their own fears or assumptions onto the situation. Dr. Dan Siegel, in The Power of Showing Up, emphasizes that a parent's ability to differentiate their own past wounds from their child's present experience is key to raising a securely attached child. When we pause and remember that our child is not a replica of us, we create space for them to form their own identity, separate from our histories.

The Journey of Reparenting Yourself

Motherhood offers an invitation: to reparent yourself as you raise your child.

When I became a mom, I started advocating more for myself.  I didn’t want my child to grow up with the same people-pleasing tendencies I so often portrayed in childhood. It bothered me to think my child might go through those same feelings. Parenthood forced me to confront the ways I had silenced myself, often staying quiet when I wanted to speak up. And in making different choices for my child, I found myself healing, too.

As Dr. Hunter Clarke-Fields writes in Raising Good Humans, "When we model emotional regulation and self-awareness, we teach our children to do the same.”

This is the heart of reparenting: offering to yourself now what you once needed as a child. It’s in the small moments:

- Speaking to yourself with the same kindness you give your child.

- Setting boundaries that protect your energy, just as you protect theirs.

- Allowing yourself to rest without guilt, modeling that self-care is not selfish.

The Power to Choose What You Carry Forward

One of the greatest gifts of parenthood is choice.

When your child has a meltdown, you have the power to respond differently than how you responded to. Instead of silence, you can offer comfort. Instead of punishment, you can offer understanding. You get to break cycles, to show up with patience where you once received frustration, to nurture where you once felt alone.

And in these moments, you’re not just helping your child… you’re healing yourself.

Every time you pause and choose a mindful response, you rewrite the script. You teach your child a new way, and you teach yourself that the past does not define the future.

Pause and Reflect:

The next time you noticing yourself feeling triggered by your child’s emotions, pause. Ask yourself:

"What does this moment remind me of? What did I need as a child that I didn’t get?"

This pause is powerful. It helps separate past wounds from present needs, allowing you to respond from a place of understanding rather than reaction.

Parenthood as a Path to Healing

So yes, parenthood is triggering. It will challenge you in ways you never expected. But it’s also a profound opportunity for healing.

Every difficult moment is an invitation to grow. Every time you choose patience over frustration, reflection over reaction, you are breaking cycles. You are healing… not just for your child, but for the child you once were.

And that is the kind of healing that changes generations.